THE Matero Local Court has ordered a 27 year old woman to go and twist her waist in bed like Tshala Muana for her husband until the matrimonial bedroom is turned upside down, after she was accused of having a tendency of denying him sex whenever they had a misunderstanding.
Magistrate Harriet Mulenga had to remind Lyness Kalewa that marriage was not for watching football matches that see most teams like Manchester United lose but for ruthless game gymnastics that result in scoring goals like Arsenal did last Friday.
The magistrate also took Lyness through a refresher course in the marital syllabus, which demands that no matter what happens in the house, horizontal refreshments for two opposite genders living in the same house must continue, and wives must be available to quench the thirst of their husbands even on days when they are not talking to each other.
Lyness was in court seeking reconciliation with her 34 year old husband, John Kalenga, who, like Miss Tokyo’s husband, had even paid lobola in full.
She shared that the two got married in 2024 and, for a full year, their marriage was as clean as Simon Mwewa Lane, the cleanest street in Lusaka.
But the marriage started getting dirty when Lyness began knocking off late from her business, making her husband uncomfortable.
This led him to chase her away from their matrimonial home whenever she returned home after 17:00 hours.
And so, Lyness was seeking the court’s intervention to reconcile her with her husband and make him understand that her business usually booms after 17:00 hours and that she has to stay a bit longer to make some sales.
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However, when the court gave John a chance to give his testimony, it was discovered that Lyness was the problem, as she treated her husband like the biblical Moses by allowing him to see the “Promised Land” but not enter it.
John narrated to the court that he resorted to chasing her away from time to time because his biological rod was like an abandoned mono pump at a school, just gathering rust despite being married, as Lyness had been denying him the chance to pump his “baby-making juice” into her “cave of joy,” saying she was tired.
“Every day, she comes back home and says she’s tired when it’s time for us to make up in bed. When we have a misunderstanding, it’s even worse because I’m not even allowed to look at her. Sometimes, she even sleeps in the spare bedroom. I have never enjoyed this marriage. It’s always, ‘I’m tired, I’m tired,'” lamented the husband.
Being a youth with no deficiency in the supply of testosterone, John said he could not manage to stay without sex in his marriage and that it was better to end it.
After seeing that the sexual drought in the marriage was not a result of climate change but simple misunderstandings, Magistrate Mulenga saw that just like the Kariba Dam lacked water during the 2023-2024 drought, this marriage lacked submission from the wife and ordered her to go and open her legs for her husband to maximum capacity, let him enter the Promised Land and allow him to explore it however he wanted.
“I don’t see why you guys should not reconcile. It’s just a matter of changing behaviour. As for you, woman, marriage is about sex. That’s why people marry. Whether you are upset or not, sex must be there. I’m sure your nachimbusa told you so if you were taught. No matter what happens, never deny your husband sex. If you want this marriage to work, then right now, go and give him good sex, satisfy him to the core. That’s why you see men sleeping with their maids because they are the ones who are available,” said Magistrate Mulenga.
“If your husband says be home at 17:00 hours, then be home at 17:00 hours. But I also want the husband to understand that sometimes he should allow his wife to conduct her business as she has said, but it must not become a habit for her to be coming home late.”
By Catherine Pule
Kalemba, August 29, 2026
